Love is a funny thing—it can be instant or stubbornly slow, unexpected or completely predictable, yearned for, or rejected. We can’t help who we fall head over heels for, or what comes along with that relationship.
Loving someone in the military is both an honor and a challenge. Spouses and partners of service members commit to a relationship with their loved one, but also to the unique dynamics of military life. Although every relationship navigates its peaks and valleys, military life brings with it less typical circumstances—constant moves, deployments, promotion ceremonies, travel, educational benefits, lengthy time apart, an international support system and more.
Military spouses and partners shared with us some of their expectations, hopes, challenges and advice for love and the military.
The expected
When you commit to a relationship with someone serving in the U.S. military, you join a group of people who also have committed to serving the country in a special way. As a partner or spouse, your support enables their strength, focus and motivation to complete their assignments at home and abroad. The military provides several resources to help partners and spouses deal with the challenges of military life.
SSG Joseph Yackera has devoted 22 years to the U.S. Army and the Pennsylvania Army National Guard (AGR), serving three deployments during that time. Early in their relationship, he and his wife spent time discussing the challenges that can come with military life, including separation during deployments, working through finances, dealing with time apart and recognizing a life where service comes before family.
Despite some of these trials, Yackera said, “I loved every minute of it.” The military, he said, offered structure and excitement that was different from civilian life.
For Shaun Lee, the military life was less of a surprise—he had been on active duty with the U.S. Army for years before meeting his wife, Major Kristine Lee. Initially, the couple didn’t anticipate Kristine serving beyond her three-year commitment, but she has now been an active-duty Army nurse for 13 years.
“What I did not anticipate is how many of the medical personnel in the Army are civilians. It seems like much of her career is working with civilians, whereas in my career I rarely interacted or worked with non-uniformed personnel,” Lee said. “Her career mimics the experience of many civilian nurses more so than mine mimicked the civilian world.”
Margo Rowe and her husband Adam talked about permanent change of station, deployments, managing training schedules and starting a family “in such an unpredictable lifestyle.” Adam served six years as an infantry sergeant and was honorably discharged.
There are some fairly typical exceptions of this kind of relationship, she shared: “Being away from each other for various amounts of time, becoming proficient at packing moving boxes, learning how to say goodbye to friends as quickly as you said hello.”
Knowing and discussing some of these aspects of military life is key to managing a military relationship. But there are plenty of unanticipated moments that create new challenges for couples as well.
The unexpected
Military couples understand that, as Yackera said, service often comes before family. And that means time apart, whether during training, rotations or deployments.
In the beginning, Rowe found it tricky to learn all the acronyms, ranks, jargon and daily routines that come with military life. Plus, spouses must learn to adjust to those routines while apart from each other.
“Running your life and daily routines without your partner can seem extremely daunting, overwhelming and exhausting,” she said. “Add onto that just the emotional tolls on both of you missing your partner and at times, fearing for their safety and well-being (both at home and overseas) required both of us to do whatever it took to overcome hard times on both of our ends.”
Unlike the typical relationship, Rowe said, “nothing prepares you for the reality of military relationships. I learned quickly that the needs of the Army don’t always match the needs of our family.”
It’s those unexpected moments that can lead to some of the greatest difficulties for military families. Lee said that it became challenging to navigate last-minute changes like overseas trips or late nights at the hospital.
In one case, Lee said his wife received just two weeks’ notice before her deployment to Afghanistan. With little time to prepare, he said the turmoil strained their relationship. He chose to move home to Alabama to be closer to their support system of family and friends. During a later assignment, his wife was selected as an Aide-de-Camp to the Chief of the Nurse Corps while pregnant with her first child. “We immediately made the decision that I would stop working as a diesel mechanic in order to help her through the very stressful and demanding job of being an aide, as well as a new mom. What came as a shock is shortly after accepting the job, we found out that we were expecting twins,” Lee said.
Transitioning to parent mode was difficult, especially as his wife’s career advanced. “Giving each other as much notice as possible about upcoming events can go a long way toward dealing with Army life,” Lee said.
The community
When you marry a service member, you marry the military—and with that comes a deep sense of pride, service and patriotism. “One of the best aspects of having a relationship with someone in the military is the great sense of patriotism and honor you feel knowing that you are part of something greater than yourself, and being able to share that with someone who has vowed to commit themselves to protecting the American dream,” Rowe said.
Military families enter a unique community and support system with those who have experienced the ups and downs of this life before. Yackera pointed out that, “Even when apart from one another the military is a family, you are never alone.” Through both joys and heartaches, it’s important to lean on military friends and the Army for support and resources.
Additionally, Lee said that one of the best aspects of military life was the opportunity to live all over the world. He also appreciated that many of their basic necessities are covered, such as housing and healthcare. The military offers families benefits that include access to commissaries, free gyms, free and confidential counseling services, help with education and career goals and many military discounts.
The best advice
Through all the ups and downs of military life, it’s important to remember that others have navigated this course before. Communication, patience, support and understanding help couples handle the unique dynamics of military life.
“Remember, you are not the first person to deal with the challenges that come with being a military couple,” Rowe said. Lean on the people around you who have experienced what you are going through for support and help. The military offers so much support to couples as they navigate the military lifestyle.”
Lee said it’s important not to check out when apart from your spouse. “Stay involved with your spouse by talking or texting about how things are going and what problems they are encountering and look for ways to help. If your spouse is not feeling well or is struggling to find time to buy groceries, why not use your cell phone and order groceries and medicine through Wal-Mart or Amazon and have it delivered,” he suggested.
Staying connected keeps couples involved in each other’s lives and also helps with re-integrating when returning home, he said. “This will keep you connected and help lessen the chance that you feel like a stranger when returning after a long-deployment.”
Yackera stressed again that communication is key. Plus, he said, “Military life is exactly what you make it—the ability to adapt and adjust are the most important.”
The IHG® Army Hotels team includes many former military and military family members. We understand the unique ups and downs of military life, and we are thankful for your service.