Schedule changes, rotations, training, relocation, deployments—it’s no wonder that the unofficial motto of military spouses is Semper Gumby (or always flexible). Marrying someone in the military means that change is a constant.
And whether your military family has experienced it once or multiple times, deployments are a challenge. Saying goodbye to your spouse unleashes a lot of emotions and forces many adjustments. During deployment, the military spouse has to face daily routines and responsibilities on their own, while yearning for and worrying about their loved one. Outwardly, friends and family might often see a strong and focused partner, but inwardly, the stress and anxiety can be a lot to bear.
The best part of deployment, of course, is the homecoming. There is a special joy and relief military families feel when their service member returns home.
We spoke with several military families about the challenges and joys of reuniting with their loved ones.
A rollercoaster of emotions
It’s nearly impossible to describe what it’s like for military families to say goodbye when deployment calls. When asked, many spouses simply said there are no adequate words.
“It’s difficult to say goodbye—it’s filled with sadness and anxiety,” shared one Army wife, whose husband was deployed three times. “It is hard to put on a brave face for your spouse and your kids to get through it.”
Carolyn Yackera summed it up best in one word—”devastating.” Her husband had three deployments over his 22 years of service with the Army and National Guard.
It’s difficult to balance a flood of emotions while also putting on a brave face for the family, said Margo Rowe, whose husband was deployed twice. “There are no words to describe what it feels like to say goodbye. You are flooded with sadness, longing, fear, and pride. You worry about saying the perfect thing, wondering when you will see them again or hear their voice, fearing for what they may experience or miss out on back at home,” she said. “While feeling all this, you also have to remember to pull yourself together as best as possible for your children and loved ones. Being strong for your kids, family, and service member in such a moment is one of the most difficult things.”
This emotional rollercoaster can be hard for others to understand, as deployment is not something that civilian families experience. Fortunately, military families often find comfort in each other and have a strong support system available. Military OneSource has a section devoted to military spouses with resources on keeping your relationship strong and managing deployment and separation, plus much more.
Managing deployment
From the moment your family learns that deployment is inevitable, it’s time to start talking about it and planning for it. Having honest conversations and creating space for quality time before deployment goes a long way.
Shaun Lee was thankful that his wife deployed to Afghanistan before they had children. He returned home for support. “My coping involved moving back home and having friends and family around me during the deployment. I was able to ride out the deployment while staying busy taking college classes and sending care packages to Afghanistan.”
Leaning on friends and family was key for Rowe as well. “They say that time is your best friend and worst enemy. In the beginning the time drags as you adjust to their absence,” she said. “You lean on your fellow spouses for help or support and remember that the time will pass. Talking about your feelings, fears and frustrations is very important, as many of us lose that outlet when our spouses deploy.”
Yackera found support through their Unit Family Readiness Group. Although deployments are a difficult adjustment, she said the FRG played an important role in helping spouses live without their service member.
Military OneSource offers a helpful deployment planning checklist:
- Plan: Discuss parenting, emergencies, finances, and support.
- Trust: Be honest with each other, and don’t take things for granted; you are both under stress!
- Communicate: This is a big one! Understand that your military spouse might not always be available to talk or to share certain things. Try to share your thoughts clearly and keep a lighthearted attitude. And use technology creatively!
- Lean on your support system: Whether through family and friends, military circles or counseling services, know where you can turn for support.
Staying close while miles apart
So how do you maintain a strong relationship during deployment? Creativity, communication and technology are key.
Take advantage of any time you can communicate, military spouses said.
“Understanding the availability of various communication formats allows you to juggle expectation management for yourself and your family,” Rowe said. “Take the time to communicate as much as you can throughout your time apart. Whether it is calling, emailing, or writing a letter, any effort at communicating helps to keep your bond strong.”
Even if you don’t know what to say, make it a point to connect and communicate, Lee said. “Too many people avoid talking because they don’t know what to say, don’t want to bore their spouse with mundane details, or worry their spouse back home. In many cases, the spouse back home just wants to know your safe and getting through the deployment,” he said. “If you don’t call or email, they will have no option but to think that something may be wrong. Don’t feel bad about calling or emailing and saying you're incredibly bored or nothing happened. Just hearing you’re okay is enough.”
Thanks to technology, there are great ways to communicate frequently and creatively. Consistent communication—even the mundane—helps to ease anxiety or fear that something could be wrong. Consider sending a photo a day to document what’s happening at home or sharing children’s artwork, school work and projects.
Sending snail mail and fun packages also go a long way to show you care. Help children write letters and postcards, or fill a box with their favorite items and some sentiments from home.
As deployment nears its end, be sure to update your spouse on what’s happening at home so they can prepare. This will help them readapt to home faster.
Celebrating homecoming
Just like at the beginning of deployment, the end brings with it a flood of emotions—this time, much better ones.
There is a great deal of anticipation, Rowe said. “It's as though the missing piece to your puzzle is about to be found.” Yackera calls it an “adrenaline rush.”
Lee looked forward to reconnecting and spending quality time with his wife. “The anticipation of returning home is euphoric because it is often associated with vacations and time off. Getting to daydream about a vacation and the opportunity to reconnect with your spouse is enough to get anyone excited.”
For some families, the return involves plenty of fanfare—for others, it’s a quiet event. Yackera said her husband’s homecomings were not like the scenes that play out on TV or in the movies. “Our spouses have come home changed… (he) is not the same after three deployments,” she said.
Lee had hoped for a grand homecoming, but his wife’s supervisors had different plans. Instead of fanfare or a dinner together, she spent her day on base returning equipment.
When Rowe’s husband returned home, their Family Readiness Group hung homemade signs from the fences to welcome them back. “We had a wonderful time hanging signs and laughing with excitement at the thought of being together soon.”
Another Army wife said the return came with speeches and ceremonies, “but honestly, I was always grateful to be reunited, and I just wanted to take my guy home and get back to normal.”
No matter how families welcome home their loved ones, they are thrilled to reunite. That feeling of joy is worth the wait.